This might be at the top of my list right now for worst movie of the year, not because the acting is terrible (it is), not because the music is unlistenable and repetitive (ditto), not because the story and characters are vapid and pointless (check and check), but because HONEY offers oversized portions of all of these factors. This is the kind of film you're going to play for your friends five years from now just to piss them off. I WOULD wish this movie on my worst enemy, and I hope he chokes on it.
HONEY is the "story" of a dance instructor and bartender named Honey Daniels ("Dark Angel's" Jessica Alba). And in case you forget her name, nearly every song in this movie has the word "Honey" repeated over and over again. Honey biggest dream is to become a dancer in music videos....I shit you not. She auditions like crazy, but is eventually discovered by a video director (David Moscow) who sees her shake her amazing form at the club where she bartends. I found it a little disturbing that the only major white character in the film (Moscow) is also the biggest asshole and practically tries to rape Honey in the movie's most awkward sequence. Reverse racism is alive and well. Anyway, Honey eventually works her way into choreographing music videos and holds meetings with director and artists that seem about as real as...well, nothing. They seem fake and laughable. Honey "teaches hip-hop" (whatever the hell that means) at the local youth rec center, where she meets a basketball playing Chaz (Mekhi Phifer, whom I felt the most sorry for trapped in this garbage). Also zipping in and out of my field of vision for 80 minutes is hip-hop artist and non-actor Lil' Romeo, who reads his lines about as convincingly as Steven Seagal on "Saturday Night Live."
If HONEY had actually been about a woman making her way from dancer to choreographer, I might have been remotely interested, and I'll admit that watching Jessica Alba swing her hips is pretty inspirational. Unfortunately, she only really does this aggressively in the first 10 minutes of the film. Instead, we are forced to endure meaningless subplots about Romeo's crappy life. Will he deal drugs and go to jail, or can being a dancer in one of Honey's videos save the day? Who the hell cares? Will Honey blow off her best friend's (Joy Bryant) birthday trip to Atlantic City to go to a mega-hip music industry party with her would-be play-rapist director/mentor? Again, who cares? The entire gumbo of nonsense culminates with a "big show" that Honey must put on to put a downpayment on a dance studio she's trying to get off the ground. Apparently the big show lasts all of one routine, and a lame one at that. Oy! As much as this film would like to recall the pleasure of watching a SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER or FLASHDANCE, the movie it is most likely to be compared to is GLITTER. All that really happens here (like in GLITTER) is that all of the characters tell the lead actress how beautiful and talented she is for 80 minutes. If you're on the lookout for a film that will push you over the edge and inspire you to swallow a shotgun, we have a winner. It opens December 5 and hopefully closes December 6.
Posted by sprokopy at December 1, 2003 02:57 PM